Posted 29 October 2006on:
Okay boys and girls and fellow vdo vixens and loci lovers… there has been something preying on my mind for a while. After watching this evening’s epi “Dr Dwyer likes a strong daddy” just now, it made me wonder what the hell would a detective, or more particularly Detective Bobby Goren find should he get a search warrant for my place….. oy vey!
(Poetic licence has been exercised so please don’t believe every word)
Have you noticed that when the Detectives go through “whoever’s” paperwork, it is all so neat and tidy and to hand? Their photographs in albums, not thrown in a picnic hamper. Everything in its proper place… yeah, just like mine… not! Clothes hanging neatly… my goodness I’ve got so many clothes, maybe the Detective will find a brown top I’ve mislaid these past two months. Laundry day comprises of three towels. What???
Now I pride myself at work, I am good, but then I’m paid to be good.
BUT at home, forget it. My paperwork is all over the place…. I haven’t done filing in months and some things I haven’t looked at this year and I don’t even open my post. If Goren wants to tidy up for me, I’d love it.
No doubt he’ll want to check my accounts. He’d have to go on line and I couldn’t tell him my IB number, I just do it by touch. So while he’s sitting at my computer I would have to lean over him, right over him to tinkle the keys. “Detective let me do that.” Oh dear I almost ended up on his lap.
Uh oh, he’s found something else on the computer and it’s not my shopping list. The raised eyebrow and the puzzled look as he reads my emails. “Who’s ????? and you do what online?” and he’s found my Amazon wishlist. I redden. Now he’s going through my history and I’m squirming as he goggles at my googles. Wait, he’s found my blogs and as I step away he’s touching my hand (swoon) to bring me back to his side.
“What is this?” I wriggle as he reads the stories I don’t post!
“What is that?” I wriggle some more as he reads the poems I don’t post!
Then, in his inimitable way he has moved to my book and cd and dvd collections? He slowly pulls one then another off the shelf. He looks at the well leafed pages and I breathe a sigh of relief that not all my literature is here.
“Who’s Vincent D’Onofrio?” he asks. “He’s, he’s a person of interest,” I splutter. Another strange glance my way as he picks up Naked Tango and Tales of Erotica II and sees a pile of the man’s photos. I hasten to add there is still not a signed one.. sniff… sniff!!!
I am wondering what profile he’s forming of me. He investigates my drinks cabinet and I offer him a Grey Goose.
Then he gets to my bedroom and bathroom…. hmmm. He’s found something. He gives me the look. He’s rummaging through my drawers…. ooooh! He lifts up a pair of little black lace panties with pink ribbons between his long long fingers in his left hand and the matching plunge bra with the right hand and hiding beneath… Entertaining Mr Stone and others of that genre. He’s found my alternative bedtime reading.
He’s looking raptly in there too… I am shifting uncomfortably as he reads out loud my favourite chapter, the one with the well worn pages and gives me a knowing look.
Now he’s wondering about the collection of spare batteries he’s found in my shoe closet and finds where they would fig… sorry fit, when he looks in my hat boxes and he’s come across a matching pair of handcuffs… just like his and a toy gun. Another funny look!
I leave him sniffing around the bathroom, when he tilts his head round the door and casually says, “Do you like chocolate?” I answer in the affirmative and he holds out a jar of chocolate body paint and waves two paintbrushes beneath my nose.
I watch him wince as he applies a dab of lotion to his wrist… he should’ve asked first.
“Detective Goren,” I nervously ask, “Have you found what you’re looking for?” He gives me an irritated look that clearly indicates he’s found plenty that he wasn’t looking for but not the one thing he is looking for. “If you tell me what you are looking for, maybe I could help.”
He pulls out the warrant again and points to an item clearly marked and tells me to just hand it to him before they really turn the place over. I study the warrant. I start to laugh.
“Detective Goren,” I chuckle, “I would if I could, but I can’t.”
He pulls out his cuffs, waves them before my nose, and tells me I’m not making this easy for myself. I am giggling. He isn’t. My chance to spend time with Goren in his interrogation room, my absolute dream but…. I have to tell the truth.
“Detective Goren, why don’t you try the people next door.”
He cannot apologise enough and asks what he can do…. I hand him my copy of EMS.